OffTheHoox.com

This is the little corner of my little spot in the hugely massive expanse called the internet where I will drop little tidbits of “knowledge by experience - or not”. Mostly completely useless to man or beast, some humorous and hopefully some pretty handy. Laid out in an ordely fashion of complete randomness as they leak from my mind. Nothing more or less important, informative, funny, boring or stupid. I’m rambling already aren’t I?

Feel free to leave a comment or request some info but please don’t yawn, it puts me off seeing someone else’s uvula (when I first learned that word I kept calling it a vulva - slight difference) while typing… However, seeing someone’s vulva while typing would be a bit distracting too!

Here goes SFA …. (acronym city) …. I will see if I can eventually crack the 100 mark.

1. Never piss off the air stewardess - No matter what a bitch you think she may be, it’s her word over yours, you have probably been drinking, and she has the right to kick you off the plane (FAA regulations). That creates HUGE delays and 300+ daggers in you from other passengers when you get frog marched off the plane. *so I hear*
2. Don’t wear metal clothing- Trust me, no one finds it even remotely cute, attractive or understandable having to wait at the x-ray machine with you standing there in your bloogers because you have removed your belt and your pants have fallen around your knees, and you are desperately removing bracelets, bangles, watches and glasses. Why would you require steel toe capped boots on a 747? *so I hear*
3. Never get smart with immigration- If ever you are at the immigration office in Tanzania in a little town called Morogorro because you feel you may need to overstay your welcome on your visa just a little bit, its not wise to get snappy with him when you don’t get your own way and tell him you will just go and spend half an hour in Kenya and come right back. They don’t appreciate “border jumpers”. *so I hear*
4. Concentrate when checking in - When you have eventually hit the checkin counter after standing in line for what feels like hours, listen to everything they are asking you: Did you pack your own bag? Yeah! Are you fully aware of all the contents of your luggage? Yeah! Have you carried your own bags? Yeah! Have your bags been in your posession the entire time? Yeah!! Has someone asked you to carry anything for them? Yeah!!! …… DOH!!!! More delays! *so I hear*
5. No ammunition in Amsterdam - No matter what the circumstances are behind you having any part of any ammunition on you, or how many airports you have been through unknowingly with it, its kinda sorta gonna play out like this at Schiphol: “Sir, what is this?”… “Oh My God, Ummm its not what it looks like!”… “Sir, it looks like the head of a bullet!”… “Shit, Ok, well it IS what it looks like but I can explain” … and you try … and they don’t care. If you smile enough you won’t get arrested. When your bum starts doing that little pucker thing it does, just start agreeing to all terms and conditions. *so I hear*
6. Lie about your profession - If you are going somewhere on business, and that creepy looking man that you spotted walking down the isle with the beedy little eyes and the thin lipped smile and who is now sitting next to you asks, “Business or pleasure?”, LIE!!! Tell him anything. Make up some of the most boring crap that even you couldn’t possibly bear to hear in your own voice for another 60 seconds. If you don’t, you will hear his for the rest of the flight. *so I hear*
7. Obey foreign exchange regulations - If you happen to be in a country that is pretty strict about their forex laws, get to know them and try to obey them. If you are a traveling party of 5 trying to get from, I dunno, Tunisia for example to lets say, Malta, and customs taps on your shoulder and asks how much local currency you have on you, tell the truth. You are in shit anyway and you will miss your flight but they prefer it if they dont have to dig it out your pockets. Lying might just get one of your guys arrested, one re-routing through Europe for 2 days and a 2 hour delay on your flight. Passenger daggers again (see item 1). *so I hear*
8. Be semi serious arriving in Canada - When you finally get to Vancouver airport after a gruelling flight from London and the first smiling customs guy you have ever seen asks you if you have had any mud on your shoes in the last week, he is being serious! He really doesn’t want to hear your witty comments about living on Mud Island (UK) and how rarely the sun decides to pay you a visit. The two word answer, “no sir”, delivered with a smile will suffice. *so I hear*
9. The essential check list - Passport, Ticket, Money. Guard them with every ounce of energy you have. When away from home, no matter where you are in this world, the 3 most important things in your life are your Passport, your Ticket and your Money. You can lose pretty much everything else but as long as you have the 3 essentials covered you can buy more stuff, still have some fun and at the very least, you can still get home!!! *so I hear*
10. Never mix drinks and turbulence - No matter how tired you are when you board your plane or how thirsty you are by the time they eventually serve drinks at cruising altitude, never ask for a coke with ice and put it down on the tray table. Inevitably you will fall asleep and thus relinquish any control you had over that little tin can and little plastic cup with ice. Things could get turbulent. I recommend you take on board with you a bottle of water that you can seal firmly as a sealed bottle of water wont spill on you and make it look like you have wet yourself in the night. That could be embarrassing. *so I hear*
11. Never say “Surprise Me” - If ever you are in Chicago on your birthday (17 Jan) and you are alone, very drunk, and returning to your hostel, be very careful getting off a bus in front of a hair salon, going inside with the idea of getting a trim and tell the gay hairdresser, “Oh I don’t know, SURPRISE ME”. You may end up blonde. *so I hear*
12. Choose where you lose luggage - If you ever have to decide (for some crazy, unexplained, irrational reason) where in the world you would like to have your luggage go missing, choose Perth, Australia. You may be very pleasantly surprised to approach the lost baggage counter and have someone there know more about your problem than you do, who is apologising profusely personaly and on behalf of the airline, offering to call you when the bags arrive (and is not talking shit) and who will make arrangements to have it delivered to your doorstep by 9am the next morning. And actually have it arrive in one piece, nothing missing. *so I hear*
13. Be careful what you wish for - If your boss approaches you one arbitrary tuesday and says, “I have an amazing opportunity for you…” and then asks “…would you like to go on an assignment?” and you say “Hell yeah!” and he asks “Where?” and you say “ANYWHERE just get me out the office!!”; you may just find yourself in Badgag. *so I hear*

T.B.C……

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