After much deliberation, contemplation and master…ful thinking, I decided that it was the New Zealanders that were going to be honoured with the presence of Hoox. I know, they’re lucky aren’t they? It’s a damn long haul from Zeroville so they better appreciate it!
All considered, planned, booked and paid for. New Zealand… Here I come!
DESTINATION: 
My Chariots:
Since I’m back in the saddle in the life of a contractor, I am up for vacation for 2 weeks every 2 months. The only downside to this is always having to come up with new and wonderful places to visit. I don’t entirely know where I want to go for my next holiday which is earmarked for roughly mid November. I wanted to go kiteboarding in Dahab, Egypt but an Egyptian mate of mine says it’s probably still not such a good time to venture up there.
What to do? Where to go? Oh woh is me!
Maybe I should just spin a globe and throw a dart! Anyone got a dart for me?
So I came up with a brainwave this week. I want to ride my soon to be collected Yamaha TTR250 across the equator and then down south to South Africa. This became a short lived dream when I saw exactly where the equator runs.
Gabon – fine.
Congo – no go!
DRC – no go!
Uganda – ok’ish.
Kenya – awesome!
Somalia – NO GO!
Too many “no go’s”. Guess I’m going to have to find another route home to South Africa.
This is the TTR250 that I was hoping to do it on:
I went on a bit of a rant before regarding DHL and it’s incompetence of mass destruction when I had to get a package from Rome to Albania. It’s happening again. This is supposed to be in the top courier companies in the world right??? I quote from their website:
So Puccino calls them yesterday to make the arrangements (cos it’s easier for her to speak Albanian) and set everything up for a Thursday collection of documents at the South African Embassy in Rome. This way we are giving them plenty of time and notice so that the collection and delivery can go ahead unhitched.
This is what they told her: “It would be better if you email us on Wednesday to order the job for Thursday otherwise we might forget”. I mean honesty is one thing but this is just plain downright stupidity, ignorance and extremely bad business practise! So Puccino says to them, “You didn’t forget to send my passport to Singapore last time did you? How can you just FORGET?” So they ultra intelligently answer, “Well you know we have a lot of things in the system so we can’t be expected to remember and track everything can we?”
It seems they have fantastic global technology, a great fleet of planes, trucks, vans, cars, bikes and other methods of transport but what they lack severely is competent staff!
I can only wish that I was making this shit up! This is the new me so I’m not going to act on impulse and go and stab the bitch in the head with a cell phone!
DHL, you had better take care of your crap in your own back yard!
The beauty of the little red book, being the British Passport, is that it means very little consideration has to be given to travels plans including routing and destination. Most importantly, NO VISAS!
My original plan was to fly from Johannesburg to Tirana via an Istanbul layover. Admittedly this was purely out of habit as this is the way I have travelled before. And that’s they way Puccino travelled before. Something clicked in my head the day I was buying the ticket, which happened to be a few days before flying, and I checked other airlines and other routes. Well blow me down and feed me biscuits! I was expecting to pay roughly $1400 on Turkish Airlines which included a crappy layover in Istanbul. I was pleasantly shocked to see Virgin Atlantic with a direct flight to London at $590. Way less than half the price! London, here I come! With the British passport, the gates just open! Hello world!
I was an idiot! I thought that it would be really kewl to try and slum it into town along with the other young travelling backpackers on the trains and tubes etc. Perhaps in a way trying to regain my youth if not for more than just a fleeting moment. I repeat, I was an idiot! What a stupid idea! Heavy bags, rush hour on the trains, delays, tickets which ended up costing me more than I bargained for and the fact that I actually hadn’t slept properly for about a week trying to sort my life out. It ended up costing me about 20 quid and 4 hours of my life let alone the pain in my back, neck and shoulders from lugging my crap up and down a million stairs. When I asked a mini cab how much a Heathrow pickup was he said about 35 quid. For the sake of 3 or 4 pints! Arrgghhhh! NEXT TIME!!!
It was fabulous to see all the old faces. Well not old but you know what I mean. Happy Bean and Katz, Knackers and Puddle Duck, Mildew, Fairlane and J9, Stu and Hawks, Syko and of course Shazza who was kind enough to offer me a bed for 2 nights. It was awesome to be back. I say that tentatively cos I have always felt that London is a great place to visit. I stand firm in the belief that the warm and fuzzy feeling would wear off quite soon and it would be a drag to live in again!
I got some shopping done. Some drinking. Some more drinking. A little more shopping. And mostly more drinking. It was a very necessary trip career wise as well as I managed the opportunity to catch up with an old boss and discuss future possibilities! Always a good beer when money is discussed.
I knew it was going to be a fleeting trip and that is exactly what it was. I achieved a hell of a lot in 2 days and then it was time to go.
Thanks everyone for such a good time!
When you travel on holiday it’s easier to fly within the regulations of 1 piece of check-in luggage @ 23kgs and 1 piece of hand luggage @ 7kgs. Seriously, all you need is enough clean skiddies, t-shirts and shorts to survive 2 weeks without having to do laundry. That and a sufficient supply of condoms to round off the bags and you’re done. When you are effectively relocating it’s a completely different story! Laptop, suit and other work clothes, casual clothes, shoes etc etc etc. How the hell are you ever going to get within those constraints?
My problem is that I have an extra large laptop and at least 10kgs of photography equipment. I stand and stare at all this crap trying to shave off weight and no matter what I try I just can’t do it! So I get pissed off and declare that I hate the airlines and just submit to the obvious fact that I will just have to bend and get shafted by the airline at their ridiculous excess baggage charges! At the end of the packing and once the sulk subsides, enters the clever thought patterns! Here comes a lesson called “How to fuck the airline at their own game!”. Im not sure how long this will last as systems are being put in place to kerb this. But for now, go for it. This is how it works and trust me, I had 3 different airlines to catch all with the same baggage.
Split your luggage into 3 pieces!
You need your main bag to weigh just a couple of kgs over at the check-in counter. This way their attention is on the main bag. When you approach you smile and be super friendly without looking fake. You don’t have to be fake. Just try being nice for a change! Ask lots of questions: Is this a full flight? Can I change my seat? Is everything running on schedule? When they mention that your bag is overweight just smile and say, “Yeah I know, but there’s nothing I can do about it unfortunately. Please go gentle on me”. [Insert a huge smile here]. If you are lucky they don’t charge you. If you are not so lucky you pay a few bucks at the ticket office. No biggie! That’s 26kgs.
Your carry on bag needs to look light. It can be over by a few kgs but don’t bring any attention to it. If they ask if you have carry on just say “Yeah, just the the one piece”. It’s best if it’s a backpack of sorts and act if it’s the lightest thing on earth. With the focus on the main bag there will be little concern for your small bag. That’s 10kgs
Now here’s the clincher. Have a mate at the airport with you holding your extra bag that’s 10kgs away from the check-in counters. The airline doesn’t know about it and it doesn’t get seen or accounted for. By the time you have your boarding pass, your passport and are ready to go, there are no more scales. All you are doing is passing through security where you stick both your bags through, passport control where they don’t care a hoot what bags you have, and usually duty free shopping where you are free to pick up whatever you want with no consideration as to the weight!
You have just climbed on board with 46kgs and a small (if any) excess baggage fee. Get in the front of the line at the boarding gate! You will need the extra space in the overheard compartments!
ONLY try this if you have a friend at the airport with you! If you think you can leave your bag at the coffee shop while you quickly go and check in then think again! It WILL either get taken by the airport police which are rightly required to be ultra sharp these days or at the very least it will be nicked (stolen). I suppose this way you don’t have to worry about the extra KGs!
An obvious disclaimer: I am not responsible for you or anyone else taking excess baggage or any consequences whatsoever that may result from this including loss or extra expense. Always consult the airlines official website or travel offices for their specific rules and regulations.
The pet-free house rules changed one day when the kewlest, fluffiest, feistiest cat rolled in off the road, had a quick look around the pad, hopped up on her newly favourite chair and fell asleep. This all happened in about 5 minutes. When I left the house I put her outside and when I got home she was asleep again on her chair. Crazy.
After searching all over for lost signs and speaking to all the pet shops, pet supply shops and vets in the area for a couple of weeks it was evident that this cat was not going anywhere. Not altogether a bad deal except there was always our intention to leave. Puccino was staying with me at the time and she named the cat Micho. It’s actually an Italian name, Mico without the “h” but that’s too confusing so Micho it is. We knew that Micho would have to go some day but it was in the future so no big deal. “We will worry about it when the time comes”.
The time came. By this stage Puccino was already back home so I had to deal with it. Some mates said they would take her and then changed their minds which pissed me off slightly. Anyhow, I eventually asked LNELL if there was anything he could do and he came to the party. He called his mother and made all the arrangements. Micho is now living in Summerstrand, Port Elizabeth for the time being. Hopefully when our lives settle down a bit we can send for her and ship her to wherever we are in the world. Another drag is the cost. We had no idea this fateful day when Micho walked into our house and hearts that she would end up costing so much. To ship her it has so far cost about $200 in shots and vet bills for export regulations and will cost a further $900 to fly her around the world on Lufthansa. My return ticket was cheaper! Worth it? Of course! She is The World’s Kewlest Cat after all!
After sitting at home for a while wondering what the future holds and wishing I was back on the road, I decided that it would probably be better to get back on the road and then wonder which direction I was heading. Any action is better than just sitting on your ass.
It was actually while I was in Durban for Rethom’s birthday looking down over the valleys to the sea when the decision was made. To hell will SA, time to fly. It made perfect sense to head back to Alibanya and go stay with the Flying Majmun, Puccino! Or KP (Klein Puccino) as she has been affectionately known in the past. Decision made, now action.
There wasn’t a lot to do really. Pack house, sell car, buy ticket and fly. I added the rest of the stress myself. What a wonderful idea to redo your entire kitchen with an estimate completion being the day prior departure. Not advised!
Rethom offered some sound advice: Make a list. I hate lists. Lists are for people who plan shit. I don’t plan shit. My shit just happens. I said to her, “I don’t need a list. All I have to do it this, this, this, ummm that, errr this, oh yeah and that…. Oh shit! I need a list!” God I suddenly had so much to do and less than a week to do it!
As a little insert here, there was the mission to sort out regarding Micho, the worlds kewlest cat! But that’s another story.
With the help of a few mates I got it done. All of it. It was incredible. What a buzz.
With the kitchen almost done, all my crap in my house packed into boxes and loaded into a freshly build shed outside, mates ready to move in to take care of the place, car sold and my bags 14kgs over the limit, I was ready to go.
Bye bye Port Elizabeth! Bye bye South Africa! Sort your shit out!
Today started just like any other day. Not a lot of plans with the exception of a bit of Playstation 3 and job hunting. I was successfully sticking to those plans when my phone rang. I didn’t get to the phone fast enough and it was a number I didn’t recognise so I just left it. 10 minutes later my mate Mullac called me. He had fantastic news. The call that I had missed was the Uitenhage traffic department to advise my ordeal with my driver’s license has been sorted 3 months faster than predicted. I had fortunately listed Mullac as a secondary contact in case I had already left the country.
Now I am awake and I am ready to get cracking. I was in the car in a flash and on my way to Uitenhage. All the way there I was thinking how wrong I was about this country and it’s abilities (lack of) to run a streamlined government and it’s associated services. Today I was impressed. Sadly though, my original impressions were more accurate. After standing in the queue for about 45 minutes I was issued the temporary license which is to be used while the new card license gets issued. That’s when I noticed it.
That temp license only has my new motorcycle license on it and was sorely lacking any indication of my light vehicle driver’s license. My heart started pumping when I enquired about this obvious mistake. That’s when she said, “Oh I think you misunderstood what the process is. When we sent your license details to Bisho to get sorted out, what they do is delete or cancel your license from your ID book, not give you a new one”. When I asked why, I was told because I never got it converted before so it just had to be removed from my ID book. Even after explaining AGAIN that I was overseas in 2003 when this stupid government came up with this ridiculous new 5 year money making renewal scheme system she simply said that there was nothing she could do there.
I asked with much dread in my gut what the next step was. She said, “Oh you will just have to rewrite your learners test and redo your entire K53 driving test.”
Please try to imagine how must constraint I had to exercise to remain calm and not hop on my imaginary soap box and scream at the top of my lungs exactly what I think of those people and their entire system of useless, fat, greedy bastard idiots in this useless Banana Republic that’s fast being “driven” down the toilet!
Thank God I still have my British diver’s license so I don’t need to put up with this crap. It can flush all on it’s own!
