~ Meredith Brooks – Bitch
I hate the world today
You’re so good to me
I know but I can’t change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one
Everything in this world is so God damned superficial. What you see isn’t really real. What you feel are feelings of the past simply returning to haunt you. Nothing ever actually changes. Life is just a playground of swings and roundabouts. Just the same old aging shit with different children passing through! The children grow up and move away. But still you are stuck with your playground of aging shit! You give give give and the fleeting children take take take. I’m all out of breath. I need to close this playground
Welcome to my head. It’s a fucking playground. Packed full of aging shit! This is what is going on… :
(Limp Bizkit – Behind Blue Eyes)
No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show throughBut my dreams they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free
I have this feeling inside that I just cannot shake. It’s like the feeling of imminent danger. Like something bad is about to happen. I’m feel like I’m waiting for the phone call of bad news. Or is it me that’s about to get hit by a bus? It’s like the bruised and winded feeling of a severe hit to the chest! It’s been with me since the weekend and I actually feel quite ill. It wasn’t even a bad weekend. We went flying. It was great fun but now I just don’t give a shit about it anymore. Yesterday was a bad day. I sat in the aircraft staring out the window wondering if this is as good as it gets. My head was killing me, my stomach in a twisted knot and a foul mood from hell. Is this my mind playing tricks again? Maybe its indigestion! Maybe it’s the result of 20+ wasps / hornets stinging me in the head while we were pulling the camp.
I have found myself asking repeatedly, “What the hell is this all for?” No one is really happy anymore. For these fleeting moments in life when you feel good about yourself? Love? That’s a joke! Almost everyone I know is either getting divorced or breaking up. What the hell am I doing back here? Settle down? I felt more settled in a freaking war zone getting bombed every day!
I came to a few conclusions this morning while killing myself on the treadmill and then while suffocating myself in the sauna. Some clarity. Which is very unclear given my frame of mind. I’m holding out making any rash decisions for sake of regret.
