I’m packed. I’m waiting for my bus at the hotel to take me to the airport. I have no idea what to expect at the airport so I am writing now to say AFRICA, SEE YOU SOON!
It’s likely I will not be online for a little while. I have so much to do and so many people I have to see and all in a very short space of time! So if you don’t hear from me I promise you I have not been eaten by a lion! Fuck I hope I don’t get eaten by a lion now! How embarrassing would that be?
I hope the chief of my tribe allows me the use of his new kom-pu-ta and interweb theeng so that I can get online. It’s all very new to my tribe so they limit access quite a bit. Lets hope them drums are beating and them pigeons are flapping… That way I will stay in touch!
Take care until the next time I get online (which could be now at the airport - hahaha).
Bon Voyage Me!
XXX
This is sooooooo boring! One of the t’internet’s best blogs has suddenly become one of t’internet’s most boring blogs.
In the absence of Hoox, I’d like to suggest we start a joke or story telling thread. Here’s my first contribution (obviously stolen from someone, but I think it’s funny enough to share).
WG
—————————————————
A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.”
“Well,” says the bloke, “I guess I’d better have the bad news first?”
The Sarge says, “I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks, “what’s the good news…….??
The Sarge says, “Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.”
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crayfish and four or five crabs in it.
“Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that… So what’s the other possible good news?”
“Well,” the Sarge says, “if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again…..!”
WG-I like your idea very much…The only problem, (well it’s not really a problem we can fix it easily ) is that your joke sounds a bit insensitive and doesn’t leave good taste so lets try another joke…here’s my favorite one…
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’…perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg.”
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. “Well,noo,” he said, “my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.”
“Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?”
A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says “Hey, why the long face?”
what did the 0 say to the 8?
“nice Belt”
hahaha good idea WG!!
Hey - hope you are having a greatttttt time.
I am out of dodge before you - it was just not working at all when you left - I am back home in the tartan gods country. I await a ticket to the sun…..
Mail me or call me as i need to chit chat.
When you find time to leave the wildlife and beer that is …………
Gauteng Metro policeman pulled Sipho’s car over and told him that because he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won R5 000, in an Arrive Alive safety competition.
Sipho could hardly believe his luck.
“What are you going to do with your cash?” asked the traffic cop.
“Well I guess I’m going to get a drivers license,” Sipho answered.
“Oh, don’t listen to him,” yelled Dipuo in the passenger seat.
“He tries to be smart when he’s drunk.”
This woke up Rodger in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”
At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Zakes’ voice said,
“Are we over the border yet?”
The cop fainted.
Oh I love you crazy people! I’m emphasising the crazy part!
Thanks for keeping yourselves entertained while I have been away. It’s been fantastic so far and will hopefully manage to find a suitable time to write about it all very soon.
Till then, keep up the craziness….
XXXXX
This one’s from memory, and it’s clean……
Patient ” Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”
Doctor “What are the symptoms?”
Patient “A disfunctional cartoon family with yellow skin.”
WG
I just have to join in,
My wife left me.
I don’t understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw £45 in makeup, I said, “Wait a minute. I’ve given up beer and you haven’t given up anything!”
She said, “I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you.”
I told her, “Hell, that’s what the beer was for!”
I don’t think she’ll be back….
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good; well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
Spoonz - Nice one!
OK, my apologies to Melaz and all the other female readers…………..
__________________________________________________________
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
“Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.”
“After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set handbrake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release handbrake.
WG
> One rainy spring night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving
> from the shadows
> of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb,
> a figure leaped
> into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view
> mirror as he pulled
> away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman
> sitting in the back
> seat.
>
> “Where to?” he stammered.
>
> “Vilano Road.” answered the woman.
>
> “OK.” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
> The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what
> the hell are you
> looking at?”
> “Well ma’am”, replied the driver, “I noticed that you’re
> completely naked,
> and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”
>
> The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front
> seat, smiled at the
> driver and said, “Does THIS answer your question?”
>
> Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got
> anything smaller?”
Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.
One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” “Why, yes, I couldn’t help but
notice that you have no ears,” came the reply.
Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
“Well,” she said stammering, “you have no ears.”
Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
Much to his surprise, the young man answered, “Yes, you wear contact lenses, don’t you?”
Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.
“How in the world did you know that?”, he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!!”
My deepest compassion to the future old men…
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 60 year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”
The 70 year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
The 80 year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow.”
So what’s your problem?” ask the others.
“I don’t wake up until nine!”
A few modern definitions for you to ponder. The beer bus and beer taxi are my particular favourites….
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”.
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia” - needless paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
* 404.
Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found” meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’).
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The ‘no-stars’ comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: “Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!”.
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s Got 4 buttocks.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now andI’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do youfeel?”Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
THE President of Iran was sitting in his office when the phone rang.
“Hello, Mr President,” said a voice. “This is Hamish down at the Boozy Ewe pub in Aberdeen. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you.”
The President snorted: “This is grave news, Hamish,” he said. “How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Hamish, “there’s me, my cousin Iain, my next door neighbour Dougal, and our darts team … that makes nine.”
The President paused. “I must tell you, Hamish, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Really?” said Hamish. “I’ll call you back…”
The next day, Hamish called again. “Mr President, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment. We have two combines, a JCB, and Iain’s tractor.”
The President sighed. “Let me tell you, Hamish, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers.”
“Yeah?” said Hamish. “I’ll get back to you.”
Hamish rang again the next day. “Mr President, the war is still on! We now have an air force. We’ve borrowed a Loganair 16-seater and we’ve put a couple of shotguns in the cockpit.”
The President cleared his throat. “Hamish, I have 10,000 bombers, 20,000 fighter planes and laserguided, surface-to-air missile sites.
“And since we first spoke, I’ve increased my army to two million.”
“B****y hell,” said Hamish, “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Hamish rang the next day. “I am sorry to tell you,” he said, “that we’ve had to call off the war.”
“Oh?” said the President. “Why’s that?”
“Well,” said Hamish, “we had a long chat over a few pints, and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?
Everybody won!
How many French does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, first, there has to be a UN security resolution demanding a change - but only if the light bulb can be proved to be burned out and not just in a quantum state of flux.
Second, there should be an increase in the number and frequency of inspectors and inspections to determine that the light bulb is not just burned out, but a genuine threat to the rest of the world. There has to be a “smoking filament” or else the changing of the bulb would be considered unnecessary since the light bulb poses no threat to world stability, let alone in breach of said resolution by illuminating anything other than it’s own space.
Third, there should be endless debate about the ramifications of light bulb change. How do we know the next light bulb will be a more co operative light bulb and illuminate our lives?
Fourth, France will in no way support a violent action in changing the light bulb. There must be a peaceful solution to this light bulb change; violent action is unacceptable.
Fifth, without a broad coalition that supports light bulb change, any action to change the bulb will be considered a breach of the “spirit” of the UN resolution regarding the light bulb.
Definitions of man and woman
A man is a person who, if a woman says, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself;” lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her; gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her and she get mad; says, “Now what are you mad about?”
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, “Now what are mad about?” says “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.”
Now read back…
A man says to his wife ‘tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time’.
His wife replies ‘You’ve got a bigger dick than your brother’
Irish Tradition!
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guiness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternatiely sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone.
He then orders three more.
The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and will bring you a fresh cold one, when you get low.”
The man says, “You don’t nderstand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.
Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.”
From Alec McDonald (this is really corny)……
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of
Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male
whale Recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his
father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale ‘Lets both swim under the ship and
blow out of our air holes at the same time and it
should cause the ship to turn over and sink’.
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and
quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped
overboard and were swimming to the safety of the
shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said
to the female, ‘Let’s swim after them and gobble
them up before they reach the shore’. They swam for a while
when the male whale noticed that the female was
lagging behind and it seemed that the female was becoming
reluctant to follow him. The male whale turned and swam
back to the female whale ‘What’s the problem, those bastard
sailors are getting away. Let’s get ‘em’”.
And with a look that any male would recognise she
said….
‘Look’, she said, ‘I went along with the blow job, but
absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen’.