Happy Birthday Pops

26 07 2007

Christ and you think YOU are having a bad start to the day???

Firework Cake

I phone Pops, aka Another Hook to wish him happy birthday. What a good, thoughtful, kind, considerate, prodigal son I am! I realised the date yesterday and it suddenly dawned on me, “damn it’s pop’s birthday tomorrow being the 26th”.

This is how the phone call went (roughly)

Pops: (answering cell phone with my name on caller id) Hello Hoox, how are ya?
Hoox : Morning Pops, happy birthday.
Pops: What?
Hoox: (thinking it was a bad line I spoke louder) I said GOOD MORNING POPS HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Pops: Have you lost your mind?
Hoox: Why? What? Huh?
Pops: Cos you are exactly one month late
Hoox: Fuck Me!! Its JULY ALREADY???

The real hum-dinger here is that I actually wished him happy birthday 1 month ago. Damn I really am losing my marbles! I have alzheimer’s at age 32! Wonderful! You know what? I say to hell with it and have another damn good party anyway!

 You gotta LOVE Rock & Roll!

10 kudos points to anyone who can listen to this without at least tapping their foot and wanting to sing along! Be Honest!


Comments : 8 Comments »

Categories : B'Day, Hmmm, L & J, Life, Party!, South Africa

Dream a little - Live a lot

25 07 2007

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is lottery night.

Est jackpot a measly £2,500,000.

Lottery

If this happens to be my last blog entry for a while you will know why. I will be sitting in Bermuda sipping Pina Colada in a little region that has never seen a computer or cell phone.

Universe, consider this an instruction. I will win tonight! I will be gone tomorrow.

Oh and this is how I’m getting there: (Universe, I hope you are listening!)

At R20, 000, not bad at the price!

Thanks A… :-)


Comments : 4 Comments »

Categories : Ideas, Interesting, Party!, UK

“X-ta-C” (Simply Orgasmic)

25 07 2007

It’s uplifting when members of a group of people can get together and have free, open and wide-spread dialogue and it’s amazing the stiff debate that can come up after one or two quiet cold, wet and foamy beer heads. Being the upstanding gentleman that I am, I will not insert names, make any wise cracks, or make anyone the butt of any joke. The ins and outs of this somewhat loose discussion are by and large simple:

Orgasms:


(Hilarious song - NSFW - I highly recommend headphones!)

If I recall correctly, the initial debate started with a pretty straight forward, typical Aussie style, out of the blue, shoot from the hip, direct, no-messin-about kind of question:

“Without using any words, can you describe to someone who doesn’t have a clue, precisely what an orgasm is, what it feels like and why everyone should experience it?”

My first response was an immediate and bold, “Yes of course I could”. Then I thought about it. Not quite as easy as I has initially envisioned. What would you do? Body gyrations? Pull funny faces? Make noises and moan? Loads of hand gestures? All of those actions would work well to also describe what constipation feels like. I encourage you to drop a few ideas so I can settle this debate offline once and for all. I mean the best you could do, without going through with the whole affair in front of others, is to describe a fake orgasm which of course brought us all onto the second topic of conversation.

“Can a bloke fake an orgasm?” Again I immediately said with a somewhat careful choice of words, “No, it’s not physically possibly. Sure the noises and movements can be recreated with a fair amount of ease but it will still be missing a pretty important element, the stocking filler”. Nope, the girls just didn’t quite get it. I think Spoonz described it the best, “It’s really all in the delivery. You know? De-liv-ery?” It had quite a good hand gesture that accompanied the “de-liv-ery” and I almost pissed in my pants laughing. The girls got it. Well they understood anyway. Which then brought us onto the third topic of conversation.

orgasm

Orgasms in porn. According to the girls, you never really see females having an orgasm in porn movies. This in itself bring on a whole array of very exciting discussions such as “Kewl, chicks watching porn” & “Kewl, chicks watching porn and watching out for other chick’s orgasms” & “Kewl, chicks watc…..” ok you get the point. For the discussion at hand we kept strictly to the point (kind of). Chicks orgasms vs guys orgasms in porn films. We ruled out of the debate the fact that when the guy cums it’s for real based on previous topic and the chick is quite likely faking it. However, apparently the numbers are still very much in favour of the guy. So here is killer question No.2:

“Do they show guys orgasm more than girls (fake or not) in porn movies?” Again I encourage any and all feedback on the discussion. If I don’t get enough of a response then I am going to have to take one for the team and do my own research and after somehow finding an adequate supply of video porn (I don’t even know where to start looking), watch for two weeks so as not be jumping to any conclusions and actually come out with unbiased findings. The things I do for debate! This whole exercise makes me a bit nervous though. There is some chance that it might prove that guys subconsciously watch porn even though they see other guys orgasm more than females. “The money shot”. Oh no! I just got a creepy feeling down my spine. That’s just so wrong!

Help.


Comments : 7 Comments »

Categories : Albania, Hmmm, Ideas, Interesting, L & J, Life

How Freaky Are You In Bed?

25 07 2007

Get a piece of paper and number it from (1 - 13) and no cheating! See the results at the end of the test! I got 55 and I still had to make up for being a Capricorn! Get going!

1.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
A. LIGHT COLOR
B. CHANGE COLORS
C. DARK

2.IF YOU WERE TO MEET UP WITH THE CRUSH OF YOUR LIFE YOU WOULD…
A. SEDUCE THEM
B. JUST CHILL
C. CHILL AND THEN SEDUCE

3.WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF WEATHER?
A. RAIN
B. THUNDERSTORM
C. SUNNY
D. CLOUDY

4.WHATS THE BEST TYPE OF FRUIT?
A. STRAWBERRIES
B. CHERRIES
C. GRAPES
D. PEACHES
E. KIWI

5.THE BEST PART OF THE 24 HOURS IS….
A. NIGHT
B. DAY
C. AFTERNOON

6.WHATS THE BEST SEASON OF THE YEAR?
A. FALL
B. SUMMER
C. SPRING
D. WINTER

7.HEADBOARD OR NO HEADBOARD?
A. HEADBOARD
B. NO HEADBOARD
C. TWO BROKEN BITS INUR CUPBOARD

8.WHATS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
A. LEO
B. VIRGO
C. SCORPIO
D. LIBRA
E. GEMINI
F. ARIES
G. CAPRICORN
H. CANCER
I. PISCES
J. AQUARIUS
K. TAURUS
L. SAGITARIUS

9.PICK A PLACE YOU WOULD HAVE SEX AT OUT OF THESE…
A. ASTRO VAN
B. ON THE ROOF TOP OF A BUILDING
C. PARK
D. AIR PLANE
E. PARENTS ROOM
F. ALL OF THE ABOVE

10.YOUR PHONE SERVICE?
A. MTN
B. VIRGIN
C. VODACOM
D. CELL C
E. VODAFONE
F. FLEXI CELL

11.PICK AN ANIMAL
A. LION
B. LIZARD
C. SNAKE
D. MONKEY

12.PICK A TOPPING
A. CHOCOLATE SYRUP
B. HONEY
C. WHIP CREAM
D. NUTS
E. ALL OF THEM AND MORE

13.WHICH WAY?
A. UP
B. DOWN
C. SIDEWAYS

***ANSWERS****
1.
A. —————————– (5) POINTS
B. —————————– (4) POINTS
C. —————————– (4) POINTS

2.
A. —————————– (5)POINTS
B. —————————– (2) POINTS
C. —————————– (4) POINTS

3.
A. —————————– (3) POINTS
B. —————————– (5) POINTS
C. —————————– (4) POINTS
D. —————————– (2) POINTS

4.
A. —————————– (5) POINTS
B. —————————– (4) POINTS
C. —————————– (3) POINTS
D. —————————– (4) POINTS
E. —————————– (5) POINTS

5.
A. —————————– (4) POINTS
B. —————————– (3) POINTS
C. —————————– (5) POINTS

6.
A. —————————– (3) POINTS
B. —————————– (4) POINTS
C. —————————– (2) POINTS
D. —————————– (5) POINTS

7.
A. —————————– (5) POINTS
B. —————————– (2) POINTS
C. —————————– (-2)

8.
A. —————————– (5) POINTS
B. —————————– (5) POINTS
C. —————————– (5) POINTS
D. —————————– (3) POINTS
E. —————————– (4) POINTS
F. —————————– (3) POINTS
G. —————————– (3) POINTS
H. —————————– (4) POINTS
I.  —————————– (5) POINTS
J. —————————– (4) POINTS
K. —————————– (6) POINTS
L. —————————– (4) POINTS

9.
A. —————————– (3) POINTS
B. —————————– (4) POINTS
C. —————————– (2) POINTS
D. —————————– (5) POINTS
E. —————————– (5) POINTS
F. —————————– (10) POINTS

10.
A. —————————– (5) POINTS
B. —————————– (5) POINTS
C. —————————– (4) POINTS
D. —————————– (5) POINTS
E. —————————– (3) POINTS
F. —————————– (4) POINTS

11.
A. —————————– (5) POINTS
B. —————————– (3) POINTS
C. —————————– (4) POINTS
D. —————————– (3) POINTS

12.
A. —————————– (3) POINTS
B. —————————– (2) POINTS
C. —————————– (5) POINTS
D. —————————– (3) POINTS
E. —————————– (5) POINTS

13.
A. —————————– (2) POINTS
B. —————————– (3) POINTS
C. —————————– (5) POINTS

NOW ADD THE POINTS UP!!!!

RATINGS:
25-34= Priest’s son or daughter. You might as well save it for marriage.
35-49= Pretty dam freaky, but there’s a couple of tricks you can learn… From ME!
50+ = Total outrageous freak! OMG! Call me! No seriously. Start dialing!!!

LET YOUR SCORE BE KNOWN!!!


Comments : 15 Comments »

Categories : L & J

Democracy at it’s finest

24 07 2007

This is a story that happened a long time ago but which I still find quite funny and love to “recount” it every chance I get. Well here’s another chance I guess.

November 2000 - Atlanta, Georgia, USA

If you can recall, this time period was that of the US Presidential Election chaos and fiasco. CNN had announced Al Gore’s victory but then had to officially retract that and apologize to the world. Recounts and miscounts, Palm Beach Florida, chads and dimples. The planet was dumbstruck and in deep concern as to who the next superpower leader of the free world was going to be. It was a complete mess.

A slightly lessor known fact was that this is also the same time that I had picked up a rucksack and started my epic journey around the world. 1st stop, Atlanta, Georgia. Home place of CCN headquarters, news broadcasters extraudinaire. As the keen little tourist I was I stopped by CNN and had the full blown walking tour of the entire premises. It was awesome. I even got to talk to Larry King briefly (15 seconds of fame - off air sadly) and I had a quick conversation with one or two news anchors but that’s a different story.

cnn

At the end of the tour I was shown back out into the building’s public foyer where they were setting up to host a live talk show. Of course I was still in awe of all this TV and news setup etc so I walked up to take a look. I was asked if I would like to take part as a guest participant and I respectfully declined saying, “thank you but I don’t even know what the topic of discussion is”. After moving through the whole “oh my God your accent” and determining that I was in fact from South Africa, I was told they were debating the election recount etc. At that I had to apologize and decline again as I didn’t really have an opinion or a true understanding of all the ins and outs of the whole issue. I asked if I could hang around and watch to which she agreed.

It was quite an interesting debate with lots of very good arguments which of course I battled to keep up with. At the half way advert break they played a “game” whereby the person who was furthest from home won some sort of CNN tat like a pen or mug or something. The woman I was talking to earlier told the host that I was from South Africa but because I wasn’t part the audience I didn’t get the highly sought after CNN embossed gift. I was however asked my opinion and feelings of the situation the country was facing and problems surrounding the election to which I panicked and froze. After what felt like forever I was able to respond:

Hoox: Well you see I don’t really have an opinion as I don’t completely understand the entire situation

Host: Ok then based on what you have heard today, what do you think?

Hoox: I find it very interesting but still I don’t know the difference between Republican or Democrat, who stands for what, or the pros and cons of either man winning the election. All I could possibly offer is an outsiders point of view of your upset election process.

Host: Maybe that’s what we all need, an outsiders point of view.

Hoox: But I must insist I don’t know enough to have a valid argument.

Host: Well how to you see it?

Hoox: Ok, the way I see it all a bit confusing to me. You are telling me that if there ISN’T a vote recount in Florida then GORE will win? If there IS a vote recount then BUSH will win? Or something like that?

Host: Yeah that’s pretty much it

Hoox: And it’s your Supreme Court that’s deciding now whether there will be a recount or not?

Host: Yes, and hopefully we will hear the result soon.

Hoox: And your Supreme Court is a government institution and not voted in by the public

Host: That’s right.

Hoox: Then the way I see it is that your GOVERNMENT is choosing your next GOVERNMENT? What kind of a democracy is THAT?

There was a stunned silence for a while. Then it all rapidly exploded into a very vocal screaming match where it seemed like I was suddenly public enemy #1. I even had a marine standing up pointing at me and in typical shouty marine style was barking at me something along the lines of “Well what do you know Gawd Dammit?? You aint even an American.”

I just smiled and made my way out of the building.

Next stop Coke Cola headquarters. How can I piss them off?


Comments : 10 Comments »

Categories : Hmmm, L & J, Rant 'n Rave, South Africa, USA, World in 80 ways

2 Sides Of The Same Coin

24 07 2007

True story:

I got an email from a mate in Johannesburg outlining a conversation he had in News Cafe in Sandton over the weekend.

** Names have been removed to protect the ignorant (and my mate).

Person 1 - Affluent young White Male
Person 2 - Affluent young Black Female

The slightly abridged conversation (for ease of understanding):

Person 1 (WM): Would you ever consider dating me?
Person 2 (BF): No
Person 1 (WM): Why not? Am I not good looking enough?
Person 2 (BF): No. It’s just that I’m not physically attracted to white men.
Person 1 (WM): Oh ok, fair enough.
Person 2 (BF): Why? Would you ever want to date me?
Person 1 (WM): No. Probably not.
Person 2 (BF): Why is that? Am I not rich enough?
Person 1 (WM): No. It’s just that I’m not physically attracted to black women.
Person 2 (BF): Why? Are you a racist?

Confused


Comments : No Comments »

Categories : Hmmm, Life, Rant 'n Rave, South Africa

Call me Ice Man

23 07 2007

I made ice. No I’m not referring to Crystal Methamphetamine. I’m talking about the solid form of H2O (water) when subjected to temperatures below freezing.

ICE!

Here’s how I did it:

  • Sitting at the desk in my room, I found a big white box alongside the wall.
  • I noticed there was a cable sticking out the back of the big white box.
  • I put the end of the cable from the big white box into the wall.
  • I opened the front lid of the big white box.
  • Inside and at the top of the big white box was another smaller white box.
  • I opened the smaller white box and found a little plastic thing with large dents in it.
  • I picked up and opened a bottle of H2O (water) and placed some inside the dents.
  • I put the plastic thing back inside the top small white box and closed it.
  • I then closed the big white box.
  • I sat and listen to it hum for an hour or so.
  • I opened the big white box.
  • I opened the small white box.
  • I removed the plastic thing with dents from the small white box.
  • My water had acquired it’s solid form and it was oh so very COLD.
  • I called it ICE named after the big white box - Incredible Chilling Equipment.

This is my magical big white box that makes “ICE”

ICE White Box

All jokes aside, I must admit, things here certainly have improved somewhat since I have been gone. We have these fridge/freezers, wireless internet in the rooms, and, and, ummm, no I think that’s it for now. Oh yeah, I hear there’s a gym here as well now that opened last week. I am yet to find it even though I dedicated about 7.5 seconds to the search. I have also been assured that other changes are imminent. Carpets in the rooms? Aircon? Hot and cold running women?

I don’t think it will take a lot to make this place slightly more bearable. The great thing is to come back to the few changes for the positive. Kudos to the decision makers on these changes. Small things can go a long way.


Comments : 7 Comments »

Categories : Albania, Hmmm, Interesting, L & J, Project, R & R, Technology

Text Perception

23 07 2007

Doc A, Melaz and I were sitting in Charl’s Bar on the weekend and Melaz” friend Danz shows up. Unexpectedly Danz’ husband, who also incidentally works with Melaz, is in the same bar but with other friends. They have a great unsmothering relationship so it seems. (I hope you got all of that)

Melaz sends Danz’ hubby a text message:

“YOUR WIFE IS IN GOOD HANDS COWORKER. NEW RULES: NO HUGS, NO INTENSIVE LOOKS FOR MORE THAN 3 MIN TO THE OPPOSITE SEX AND *HOOX SAYS HI”

No intensive looks for 3 minutes to the opposite sex??? 3 minutes??? 3 minutes is like a relationship!

SexyEyes

I am yet to meet a female on this planet who would be even remotely comfortable with her other half having an intensive look for so much as a split second to the opposite sex. Oh and visa versa for that matter.

* Name changed to protect the innocent. ie. me!

ps. Happy Birthday Danz


Comments : 2 Comments »

Categories : Albania, L & J, Life, Party!

Bewilde’ring

22 07 2007

I have had rings from time to time that I have picked up around the world.

One was a really kewl small ring from Malta that had the Maltese Cross on it as it was worn by the Knights of St John way back in the day. I lost it.

The next rings I had were silver and gold Turkish puzzle rings. These I got in Baghdad. The gold one was won in a “bet” as such. The previous owner said “if you can solve it in 30 minutes or less you can have it”. 15 minutes later by sheer fluke, I had it solved. It was mine. All mine. My precious! I opened it up and then couldn’t for the life of me get the thing back together for about 4 weeks. VERY frustrating I might add. My precious had turned into the pestering irritation and continuous reminder of complete failure in my life. This is what it should look like complete:

puzzle ring

Like I said I had two. The silver one was ”redistributed” and the gold one I lost while paragliding in Port Elizabeth at the end of last year. I was quite upset about that. Since then I have looked everywhere for a replacement. They are just not common. Apparently they are too complicated to make so very few jewelers these days will even bother. You certainly can’t get them resized because if you change the shape it can ruin the puzzle and the bands won’t fit together as they should.

I even looked around in Harrods while shopping for honey for Pilly (long story which I don’t even know completely). You know, Everything Harrods? Well I guess it should be known as Everything Except Puzzle Rings Harrods. There’s nothing quite like walking into Tiffany’s and being made to feel completely and utterly insignificant by some snooty, impeccably dressed just-out-of-prep-school tart. She had this look on her face as if the blue birds of happiness just shat on her birthday cake. That experience was short lived.

Last weekend I went to Camden Market to have a look around and since Camden does a lot of funky jewelry etc I thought it might be a good idea to take a look around and ask anyone if they have seen such rings. There was only one person who had them but the quality was so bad I couldn’t even consider it. So I looked around some more. Then I came across this really kewl ring but it has since started a few arguments.

I said ”It is African”. Others said “No it’s Egyptian”. I said “Well where the hell do you think Egypt is if not in Africa?” I just couldn’t bare to lose the argument. What I did in fact mean was Southern African, like Bushman or Khoisan. This is where you could help. I need some professional advice please. This is the ring with its engravings. Can you please tell me what you think the markings are before I lose it. Northern or Southern Africa. Or something else? Or nothing?

Ring 1 Ring 2

Ring 3

Ring 4 Ring 5

All comments are welcome as long as you are agreeing with me that it is in fact Southern African. I jest. Of course I am open to any and all opinions. Sometimes!

Thanks. A lot!


Comments : 5 Comments »

Categories : Africa, R & R, South Africa, UK

Cyanide and Happiness #4

21 07 2007

I think everyone has their own Cyanide and Happiness that relates to them in some particular way. Maybe there’s more than one.

For now, I think I have found mine?

Cyanide and Happiness Beer

Cyanide and Happiness, thanks to explosm.net


Comments : 5 Comments »

Categories : Cyanide and Happiness, L & J, Party!

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