OffTheHoox.com

Sometimes you just wake up in a good mood for no apparent reason. This morning was one of those mornings. Yesterday was no special revelation. Last night was just chilled and relaxing. I didn’t have an extra comfortable sleep. I must have some really good dreams and without even knowing, “got it all this morning“.

There has been this song bombing around in my head for some time now and I feel it’s time to let it go, or at least pass it onto you! It’s nothing but cheesy good fun.

 (harmless beebop)

We all know the words, come on sing along: “I said hip, hop, a hip, a hippy to the hippy, they say that you know that you’re my hubby wanna boogy woogy woogy to the beat”.

Now without getting too graphic, I got out the shower this morning, dried myself and went to make my way through my room to get dressed. Problem. An obstacle. My fan. I had placed it next to my desk which doesn’t leave much room to walk through easily. It’s a squeeze at the best of times. So naturally the first thing I thought (and I wouldn’t be male if I didn’t) was: “Oh my God, I don’t want to get “my guy” struck by those blades doing a million RPM”. So while concentrating heavily on getting past this potential life hazard, I put my hand on the fan to push it back to make space and make it easy to walk past safely, intact! Just as I did that though my finger slipped through the safety grill that covers the fan and my finger went into the blade.

*&$#@#&!$&£!!!!! You know that sensation of being really really pissed at yourself for being so damn stupid but at the same time really really relieved and extremely happy that you did in fact use a bit of foresight and common sense with the knowledge that it could have been a HELL of a lot worse?? I cringe just rethinking it. Fortunately my finger is way stronger than other more sensitive parts.

Hang on now. I have just realised how stupid I was. My finger is also way smaller. There is NO WAY that “my guy” would EVER have been able to fit through the cage. Perhaps foresight and common sense aren’t always that useful. I really should just move the fan

Please excuse me, I have career decisions to make today. And in such a good mood! Sweet!

And I thought the next 10 years of my life were going to be a struggle. I came into work to find this. I knew you would be very happy for me too so I felt it’s only right that I share with you the good news.

Here is the letter I received:

RE : Late Engr.John Ferguson Will

Dear beneficiary

On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr.John Ferguson; I once again try to notify you as my earlier letter was returned undelivered. I hereby attempt to reach you again by this same email address stated on the WILL.

I wish to notify you that late Engr.John Ferguson made you a beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of Seven Million One Hundred Thousand Dollars (USD$7,100.000.00 ) to you in the codicil and last testament to his WILL. Being a widely travelled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who wished you good. Engr.John Ferguson until his death was a member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers. He was a very dedicated Christian who loved to be involved in charitable projects. His great philanthropy earned him numerous awards during his life time.

Late Engr.John Ferguson died on the 13th day of December, 2004 at the age of 80 years, and his WILL is now ready for execution. According to him this money is to support your humanitarian activities and to help the poor and the needy in our society. Please if I reach you this time as I am hopeful, endeavour to get back to me as soon as possible to enable me conclude my job.

I hope to hear from you in no distant time.

Yours in Service,

BARRISTER CHRISTOPHER MOTLEY ESQ. (Head of Chambers.)

Contact Me now PRINCIPAL PARTNERS: Barrister Aidan Walsh.Esq Markus Wolfgang, Mr. John Marvey Esq, Mr. Jerry Smith Esq

So all that’s left for me to do now is write my resignation letter and book my ticket to Nigeria to collect.

I’m so excited!! Wish me well. It’s time for me to start my new life.

This weekend past was actually great. It was nice to not be on the road again going backwards and forwards. Although I missed seeing all my favorite people in Tirana, I was able to get some work done and spend a bit of time sorting my things out.

1. I fixed my shower - I found long pieces of plastic conduit and armed with a knife, take and silicon gel I hit that shower with everything I have. I no longer have to climb out of a shower into a bath on my bathroom floor. I can be a plumber no problem.
2. I got some company work done which I had to do after hours. Sunday took care of that.
3. Re-arranged my room so that plug sockets and power outlets were in the best possible positions. Furniture was moved around them.
4. Slept late! Saturday night turned into a quiet one-or-two on the steps of our accommodation. It was too hot inside so we went out with a laptop and a few bottles of sense and we made the most of it talking sh!t, drinking booze and listening to some good music.
5. I woke up yesterday in the right frame of mind to do something about me and my position in my company. Emails were written and conversations had. I feel good about it. Situation ongoing.
6. Yesterday late afternoon Spoonz called and asked if I wanted to go visit Spaq (pronounced Spach) to go and see the old prison from the ex communist regime. Off we went and 100s of photos taken (see below)

All in all it was a very good chilled weekend. I even got to play my guitar a bit. I so wish I was better at playing it cos its so relaxing when I’m not swearing at myself for making stupid chord errors over and over.

I’m looking forward to a good week.

(Click Read the rest of this entry for photos)

Read the rest of this entry »

My lovely friend jUUles and her lovely sister Floss had a lovely trip to the lovely city of London. The lovely city of London has many lovely attractions for all lovely tourists to visit. One of the lovely destinations is Camden Town and Camden Lock Market. It really is an eye opener and can be a shock the system of someone unprepared.

This is Camden High Street:

So jUUles and Floss get off the underground train and come out the station. It’s metal and leather in your face as soon as you walk onto the street.

Floss was heard loudly exclaiming: OH MY GOTH!!

Here are the lovely tourists:

You will also see in the pics that there is a hemp shop in Camden. This gets me thinking. Can you roll a joint from your clothing? It would really change the whole meaning of, “Are you smoking your socks?”

There was “once upon a time” in my life that I worked on a gas rig 75nm off the coast of Sfax, Tunisia, which is in the north of the big continent of Africa which is that really really big land mass just to the right of The United States of America. Well anyways, while I was there the ships crew were working a 3on & 3off rotation which means that every 3 weeks they all went home for 3 weeks and another crew would be onboard for 3 weeks. When I was there we were under pressure so I couldn’t take my leave when I wanted or when it was due. I ended up seeing the same captain go home 2 times without me leaving which meant I was on board for at least 9 weeks. I casually, sarcastically, obviously jokingly said to him on his way out, “I have been here longer than both of you captains put together. You should consider making me captain!” 

Ever since then I was referred to as Captain Hoox. Yeah. I heard all the jokes! But it was kewl. I had been recognised by the most senior and most respected man on board. It was quite an honour as silly as it may sound now.

I am the captain of my own little ship.
I just can’t bullshit as well as this:

Saturdayyyooo. Daylight come and I wanna go home.

It’s been a relatively good week. Not too much stress and anger. We are having issues at the moment but it’s out of my hands so I feel there’s no real point getting worked up about it. The camp is becoming more bearable. People are becoming more relaxed and there is more of a social environment growing amongst the people. Every night there seems to be something going on which is good.

I have a guy living down the hall from me that plays music loud in his room all night but I’m glad because I love music and he has good taste. Good old rock! I can sleep to that no problem. Sometimes when I’m working on my computer late at night I will just leave my door open so that I can listen to it. I think people are generally being considerate about others feelings and even though these walls are paper thin I think people are mostly aware of this now and take that into consideration when having conversations on phones or walking down the hallway.

The biggest issue we are having right now is the heat! My God it’s hot. These rooms really are just big plastic boxes that are sucking in the rays in the strong afternoon sun and that heat doesn’t dissipate until well after midnight. I think I might have mentioned before, there is no airconditioning in the accommodation blocks. Many people will sleep with their door open and have their fan aimed at the door with the intent of pushing air out the door and hopefully sucking cooler air in from outside. It’s a great theory and one that does actually work to some extent.

Food is still the same so no comment but we have been assured that it will change soon. My shower still floods the bathroom but I think I have realised the main source of the problem and I don’t think it’s too difficult an issue to sort out. I can do it myself and plan to this weekend.

There will be no Tirana for me today or tomorrow. I really have too much non-project-but-still-company work to do which at the end of the day is beneficial to me so it’s in my best interest to get it done. I think that’s what I will be doing all day Sunday. This will officially be my first weekend in camp and I don’t mind because it has been my decision. Things might still change and at a last minute brain fart I might just commandeer a vehicle to get the hell out of dodge for a while.

Have a great weekend. Take it easy. Have an ICE COLD beer for me!

I’m not sure if the world is aware of it or not but I will take it upon myself to share a funny saying that I heard a LONG time ago.

This is generally used when describing really tight, small or pressing bloogers (jockey shorts, underpants - call them what you like) or pants / trousers:

“These are like a cheap motel. No f**king ball-room!”

I was reminded of this over a discussion a little while ago when asked the question by a female friend: “Can a bloke have a camel toe?”

YES - I guess

I almost fell off the bar laughing! “Oh my GOD! Why would you even think that let alone ASK it?” CREEPY!!!

But then I got to thinking which is turning out to be a dangerous thing these days. Is this something that chicks secretly look out for, sneak loin tingling looks or pine after in the same way as us perverted delinquent males? Tell us the truth. Do you girls actually like the real skimpy speedo looking like the bloke is smuggling a budgie? That would make it a cheap cheap motel. I know you are not all prissy prudes so just admit it.

Read my lips: I think we will all agree that this is sooooo much more aesthetically pleasing:

As everyone in my life can and will vouch for, I am not a wine drinker. I never have been, and I always thought I never will be. Until last night…

Did we run out of beer? No

Did we not have any spirits? No

Was I too lazy to go get another beer? Usually yes but last night, No.

Why did I start drinking the wine? No bloody idea!

It really must have been the biggest bottle of wine I have ever seen. It was a local merlot from the previously mentioned deadville town of Shkodra. When I was offered a glass I simply said “yes please” and I was filled up. I had a few sips. Tasted. Breathed. And I actually enjoyed it. It was very nice.

It was a special occasion, Thursday. You have to always celebrate Thursday. Almost as import as celebrating Wednesday and Tuesday and so it goes on. We were all sat around a large table and a good friend of ours had put on a pig on the spit. There was music and friends and food and beer and wine. I suddenly had a thirst for this red nectar! I was actually enjoying it. Glass after glass. Lots of toasts to celebrate Thursday and the fact that we were all alive and healthy. It was so good. I have no idea how much I ended up having but it was a lot. Each time the glass emptied it just tasted like more. Wonderful.

Until.

I got home and went to brush my teeth. JESUS!! Had I been punched in the gob? Why was I bleeding from the mouth? Ok I realised there was no pain so it couldn’t be blood. JESUS why was I wearing lipstick? Holy crap, my teeth are all rotten and falling out. Get a grip! Look closely. Oh my God, was that from the wine? Yup! I had wine gob for what I think must be the first time in my life.

I brushed my teeth and kept rinsing until the purple faded away. That took a while. I looked at the clock, 2am, time for bed!

6am : Holy Mary Mother of God. Who the hell broke into my room and smashed me in the side of my head with a wrecking ball? If I ever find out who did this they will pay for it dearly. I was so very grumpy until I realised that this must have been what people always say when they talk about red wine hangovers! Any other day and I could have rolled over and died but not today. The Spoonz had arranged a first thing meeting. All hands at 7am. I could kill!

Why on earth do you people do this to yourselves? How can you consume the red poison knowing full well that you are going to get blind-sided by the mother of all hangover headaches? Do we never learn? Perhaps I should have exercised a little caution and taken it easy.

Naaaa. Go big or go home!

I knew I was going to win! I could just feel it.

This morning I get the email from www.national-lottery.co.uk to tell me:

Dear Hoox,
We have some exciting news about the ticket that you bought for the Wednesday 25 July draw. Please Sign In to your Account at the National Lottery website for more details.
Kind Regards
Interactive Customer Care
www.national-lottery.co.uk

My heart started racing. It was incredible! My dreams have come through!

I did as I was told. I logged on to see my new fortunes!

Read it and weep all you poor bastards! I know I did!

At least the lottery thinks I’m a winner!

For all those bstards who keep calling shotgun before I get a chance. Ok I may be a bit slow…

Here’s YOUR Cyanide and Happiness:

The History
The history of calling “Shotgun” goes back to the days of covered wagons and the Wild West. On a trip across the plains, the driver of a wagon would hold the reins of his horse team and concentrate on driving. This left him and the occupants of his wagon susceptible to sneak attacks from bandits and thieves. To avoid this atrocious circumstance it became necessary for one person to sit next to the driver with a shotgun and fend off the enemy.

Defending against bandits is no longer the priority of Shotgun however, but it has evolved into a pre-driving ritual that is experienced before almost every car ride across America and even the world. Because of the obvious evolution that has already occurred with Shotgun, we ask you to consider Shotgun as a living entity and be aware that it is always changing for the better good of society.

See http://www.shotgunrules.com/ for all the official lowdown!