OffTheHoox.com

This man was spotted last night escaping from Reps camp.

He has escaped and is presumed heading towards an airport or port (if he has any sense).

Initial investigation reveals he is armed with a ‘lunch time bread salad roll’ which if used correctly could cause serious injury.

He also may have in his possession a metal tray used in the mess for eating off – which if used correctly and thrown may decapitate a man at 50 yards.

The lack of mud all over him reveals that he had not been on the camp for very long – possibly under a minute.

Also his well kept hair and well press clothing reveals he could not have used the camp laundry or showered in his room.

Report all sightings please to the “Reps Escape Committee” – Don’t worry - we don’t want to catch him – we just want to know what bit of the fence he climbed over so we can follow!!!!!!!!!!

 Thanks Stoo!

Last night I got a call from Another Hook (aka Pops). I thought is was going to be one of the usual calls of late which have me drooling and chewing table legs when they describe the scrumptious food they are enjoying in fancy restaurants while I’m stuck up here in Dumpsville. Last night was only 5% that style of call. I did get to hear about them sitting at a dinner table but then I got Another Hook 2 (aka Rethom) on the line.

Last night was the final dinner the family were having together in Johannesburg before moving back to Durban in the fresh hours of this morning. This completes the plans set in motion more than 6 months ago. The house was completely packed up. My childhood and all the memories in boxes. The removal people had left. At this dinner was Mom, Dad and Jon Tango (bro)! They called me to include me at the table. We were 4 again. Thank you very much!

Damn. 24 years. That’s almost a lifetime.

I remember moving up from Durban when I was 2 bricks and a piss-pot high (not very tall) so many years ago. We stayed in a pokey little flat in Illovo and we drove through to my primary school every day in Blairgowrie. IR Griffiths on Ralda Road. It was a great place. Mr Wilky was the headmaster and Mr Stanley (who we feared more than God himself) was the deputy. That’s where I met my best and longest lasting mate, Mullac! I walked into a class in Standard 1 (year 3 of school) knowing no-one. When the teacher said I could choose where to sit I just froze with fear. Mullac said I could sit next to him. In 24 years I don’t recall us every having fight. To think, your peers have an unbelievable effect on your life and your future, and that was the key moment right there! Had I sat elsewhere, how would my life have turned out today?

I can clearly remember Joburg being soooo cold. Coming from Durban it was unheard of to have to wear little woollen gloves. We eventually moved to a house close to my school in Connell Road, Blairgowrie, Randburg and I could walk to and from school. I got lost my first time but unbeknownst to me, Rethom (mom) was following closely behind to make sure I was ok. In this new house Another Hook bought us our first VHS player and COLOUR TV. It was awesome. I then realised for the first time that KITT’s (from Knight Rider) whurr whurr light in the front was red and not greyscale. So many adventures were had in that house. A big pool. We built a big fort in the back yard. Bike races up and down the road. Neighbours coming and going. We had so much fun.

Just before high school (”Std 6″ or “Year 8″) we moved house up the road to Standard Drive. What a great move. I was 6 houses from Mullac on one side and 7 houses from my other great mate Knackers on the other. We ruled Standard Drive. We were a bit of a menace from time to time so I would like to formally apologise to any driver who got “peached” while driving past. Nice, that’s my conscience clear then. A lot of growing up was done in that house. Pubescent teenage sh!t kicked off. The sibling battles with Jon Tango. Clubbing started. Rebellion at it’s finest.  Making chlorine bombs for “childish” entertainment (perhaps not a good idea to mention in this day and age but what the hell). Harassing neighbours and visa versa. Bunking school. Caught “shoplifting” (which I can defend completely but that’s another story - right Mullac?). First jobs doing paper-rounds and working in a bottle store. Cycle trips to Hartebeespoort Dam. Learning to drive. The first steps of freedom. All my mates were always welcome. Damn my folks even bought Castle Lager (they drank Ohlson at the time) because Mullac told them to do so for him!

I went to boarding school briefly and Standard Drive was always the refuge for school breaks. After school I set forth into this world and went to the UK with Knackers. Rethom gave me her blessing “Spread your wings and fly but always know you you have your bed to come home to”. After 6 months in London I went back home. It was good to be back with the mates in Standard Drive. We saw a lot of Randburg being developed, especially the bars and clubs. This was when One night sitting with a bunch of these friends in one of these pubs, I made the decision to move to Durban. Again I got the blessing of the folks (and even the job with pops’ help to work in shipping). Whenever I come to Joburg, I had a place to stay in Standard Drive. Seeing doctors, having bad times, even one time just looking for a cool, unhumid place to sleep one night and that house was my safe haven, my getaway. One year later my company moved me to Mossel Bay (a small town down the coast towards Cape Town) and while I was there, my folks bought a new house.

The Park Lane house was again just around the corner from the old house. I heard about the planned move but fortunately I wasn’t around so I didn’t have to get involved in the actual carting of stuff around and packing boxes. Score! There was an issue with the sale of the Standard Drive house so my mates and Jon Tango ended up staying in the new house renting while the other house went on the market again. I visited from Mossel Bay. There was party. It got messy. Very messy. In the morning Rethom came to take some measurements etc and Mullac forcefully kept her out of the house. Simply refused to let her in. That was for her own piece of mind and sanity. Damn it was funny cos it wasn’t my problem. I just laughed and went back to Mossel Bay. Oh the freedom.

While in Mossel Bay I came up with this great business idea, quit shipping, packed up Mossel Bay and moved back to Joburg. My room became my own again. The business didn’t work out so I got a job still living at home. A year or so later I was offered an opportunity to go up and work in Tanzania. Off I went again. Each time back in Joburg and my bed was always there. Eventually I left for England long term and I haven’t moved home since. Every subsequent trip home in South Africa from crazy places like Tunisia and Iraq, I stopped off in Johannesburg and my room was always there. My stuff in my cupboards. Some crap that I had left behind from a previous visit. My memories, my childhood, my life. It was a great house. Rethom has put her heart and soul into the place. Each time I went home there was something new to admire. And it was always my home. Pops and Rethom have reminded me constantly, “You will ALWAYS have your room to come back to and stay in”. Jon Tango had lived in a flat off the house the entire time. Last week he packed up and moved out to his new spot. Last night the gates to #49 were closed for the last time. The final drive up Park Lane. Departing Blairgowrie. For the first time in 24 years! Now that’s a fucking big deal.

The end of an era. It has been great to sit here and rethink my childhood. There is soooo much I haven’t written down. So much laughter. So many childhood fears. So much adventure. So much emotion. So much life experience. I spoke with Rethom some months ago and was very concerned that I had no memories of my childhood. I was wrong. I have some very pleasant and vivid memories and I guess it just take a jog to bring it back. I am sitting here in the office holding the tears back. It’s wonderful.

Mom, Dad, Jon. Thank you very much for all the great times. I love you all incredibly.

Mom, Dad, I am a product of you and you can be proud. You instilled values in me that I carry forever and pass on frequently. You should know this already but I will tell you again, you have done a great job. Thank you. Good luck with your new (ad)ventures in Durban. I better have a room there too!

Jon, good luck with your new surroundings in your new place. I will see all you guys soon!

To start a new era of stories!

Raise the glasses, CHEERS!!

Today I got a text message (SMS) from Vodafone, like I do regularly, stating:

“Vodafone would like to welcome you to Albania. For voicemail dial 121…. blah blah blah”

Welcome me??? ENOUGH ALREADY! I have been here for almost 5 months without stepping foot off these Godforsaken shores. Can you please just quit it. I don’t feel welcome and another 1000 texts from you isn’t going to make me feel all warm and fuzzy!

I don’t mind if you start texting saying: “Vodafone is so damn happy to have you here we would like to offer you free international calls and a 6 pack of beer”. You can then text me daily! I know where you live. I’ll even come and collect.

Wiki Definition: Relative humidity is a term used to describe the quantity of water vapor that exists in a gaseous mixture of air and water.

Real Definition: Relative humidity is a term used to describe the sweat that accumulates around your genitals when you are shagging your cousin.

We had some beers with our cross-eyed “friends” last night. The banjos are warming up.

Some songs just make you think.

 (Lightning Crashes)

We were listening to this the other day and discussing the potential meanings behind the lyrics. Today I heard it again and since I was online I decided to do a bit of homework. It seems many people have the same predicament. There’s been a lot of speculation as to what the lyrics really mean ever since the song’s release in 1994. I think most people agree it’s about the circle of life. A new baby is born and the mother dies. At the same time an old lady is dying. The lightning is life and thunder is certainly death. The inevitable circle. It has also been suggested quite a few times that the song was written for and dedicated to a close school friend of the band, Barbara, who was killed in a car accident who also happened to have made arrangements to donate organs to medicine. Joy from sadness. Death bringing new life.

Whatever the meaning, it really is just an incredible song that has touched the life of so many people. It’s an emotion stirrer. I love it!

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary’s Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

~

~

~

~

Oh my God sir, the natives are restless. They are advancing from the east! Noo not that east, THAT east!

Men. Defend the castle with your lives! Prepare the tar. Raise the drawbridge. Get the women and children inside! While I stand here looking gay and doing my “I’m a little teapot” impersonation!

We’re all dooooooooooooomed

South Africa needs sheriffs like this. The only problem is they would probably be considered politically incorrect and / or racist

To those of you not familiar with Joe Arpaio

He is the Maricopa Arizona County Sheriff and he keeps getting elected over and over

SOME OF THE REASONS WHY:

• Sheriff Joe Arpaio (In Arizona) created the “Tent City Jail”:
• He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.
• He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but “G” movies.
• He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.
• Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn’t get sued for discrimination.

• He took away cable TV Until he found out there was a Federal Court Order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again and only let in the Disney Channel and The Weather Channel.
• When asked why the weather channel he replied, So they will know how hot it’s gonna be while they are working ON my chain gangs.
• He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.
• When the inmates complained, he told them, “This isn’t the Ritz/Carlton. If you don’t like it, don’t come back.”
• He bought Newt Gingrich’ lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.
• When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

More On The Arizona Sheriff:

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports:
About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the
Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.

“It feels like we are in a furnace,” Said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year. “It’s inhumane.”

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: “It’s 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn’t commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!”

Way To Go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it’s time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can’t afford to have for themselves.

Sheriff Joe was just re-elected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona.

One of these days I’m going to be “reflecting” so much on the long and windy drives (that I do so often these days) that I am going to find myself in a “reflecting pool” at the bottom of a ravine when I go careering off a cliff. Mental note to self: CONCENTRATE WHEN DRIVING! Today was no exception. On my own in the car and humming away a tune that we caught on the radio over the weekend. I think it kinda makes sense. I had a great weekend though. Very relaxing! Back to a shit-storm to deal with here though. You gotta love politics!

 (Here I go again)

Here I go again on my own
goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An’ I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time.

Next time I’m gonna search the airwaves for something a little more positive and upbeat. Like … ummmm … “My future’s so bright I gotta wear shades”, or “I wish they all could be Californian girls”.

Until then I will be planning my holiday. Still no-one has given me any reasonable options that I could consider. I am deadly serious that I am really up for anything! I’m just not that wild about going somewhere to visit people that will be in an office all day. Can’t everyone take leave and make themselves available when I holler??

Thanks! See you in 2 weeks!

There’s a thing everyone should try if you want to get things done YOUR way. You tell the universe! You don’t just tell it a half-baked story. You tell it like you mean it and you sound off like you have a pair! If you want that particular job, the raise, the dream holiday, the date with the hot chick (or bloke), then you damn well better tell the universe that it is what you are going to get no matter what! You just gotta have FAITH! And kick down, Dukes of Hazzard style!

With that in mind, I will go to Tirana this weekend. I will have a great time. I will see the doctor on Monday and he will tell me that everything is just fine and dandy and I just need rest and sleep. I will plan the work I need to on Tuesday. It will go according to plan over the next 2 weeks. I will feel satisfied that the job can be left without supervision. Most importantly, I WILL take my R&R (rest and recoup) on Saturday 7th July 2007. These boots are gonna do some walking! The world is full of possibilities!

 ~~~~~

Happy weekend everyone! While I AM away you really should see this. It is absolutely incredible. I have seen it battered around the internet a few times and I just felt that it is so worthy of another view. Most people have probably seen this before but damn this dude deserves his fame! If you get no emotion over this you really need to get your pulse checked cos you might be dead. Check it out: