Off The Hoox

When you travel on holiday it’s easier to fly within the regulations of 1 piece of check-in luggage @ 23kgs and 1 piece of hand luggage @ 7kgs. Seriously, all you need is enough clean skiddies, t-shirts and shorts to survive 2 weeks without having to do laundry. That and a sufficient supply of condoms to round off the bags and you’re done. When you are effectively relocating it’s a completely different story! Laptop, suit and other work clothes, casual clothes, shoes etc etc etc. How the hell are you ever going to get within those constraints?

My problem is that I have an extra large laptop and at least 10kgs of photography equipment. I stand and stare at all this crap trying to shave off weight and no matter what I try I just can’t do it! So I get pissed off and declare that I hate the airlines and just submit to the obvious fact that I will just have to bend and get shafted by the airline at their ridiculous excess baggage charges! At the end of the packing and once the sulk subsides, enters the clever thought patterns! Here comes a lesson called “How to fuck the airline at their own game!”. Im not sure how long this will last as systems are being put in place to kerb this. But for now, go for it. This is how it works and trust me, I had 3 different airlines to catch all with the same baggage.

Split your luggage into 3 pieces!

You need your main bag to weigh just a couple of kgs over at the check-in counter. This way their attention is on the main bag. When you approach you smile and be super friendly without looking fake. You don’t have to be fake. Just try being nice for a change! Ask lots of questions: Is this a full flight? Can I change my seat? Is everything running on schedule? When they mention that your bag is overweight just smile and say, “Yeah I know, but there’s nothing I can do about it unfortunately. Please go gentle on me”. [Insert a huge smile here]. If you are lucky they don’t charge you. If you are not so lucky you pay a few bucks at the ticket office. No biggie! That’s 26kgs.

Your carry on bag needs to look light. It can be over by a few kgs but don’t bring any attention to it. If they ask if you have carry on just say “Yeah, just the the one piece”. It’s best if it’s a backpack of sorts and act if it’s the lightest thing on earth. With the focus on the main bag there will be little concern for your small bag. That’s 10kgs

Now here’s the clincher. Have a mate at the airport with you holding your extra bag that’s 10kgs away from the check-in counters. The airline doesn’t know about it and it doesn’t get seen or accounted for. By the time you have your boarding pass, your passport and are ready to go, there are no more scales. All you are doing is passing through security where you stick both your bags through, passport control where they don’t care a hoot what bags you have, and usually duty free shopping where you are free to pick up whatever you want with no consideration as to the weight!

You have just climbed on board with 46kgs and a small (if any) excess baggage fee. Get in the front of the line at the boarding gate! You will need the extra space in the overheard compartments!

ONLY try this if you have a friend at the airport with you! If you think you can leave your bag at the coffee shop while you quickly go and check in then think again! It WILL either get taken by the airport police which are rightly required to be ultra sharp these days or at the very least it will be nicked (stolen). I suppose this way you don’t have to worry about the extra KGs!

An obvious disclaimer: I am not responsible for you or anyone else taking excess baggage or any consequences whatsoever that may result from this including loss or extra expense. Always consult the airlines official website or travel offices for their specific rules and regulations.